The team at NoFilterMag conducted a survey on Smart Device usage patterns and their perceived impact on our closest relationships and the results may surprise you…
I have a love hate relationship and it’s not with my husband. It’s with that little glowing device that provides me hours of entertainment when I’m waiting for a flight, lets me capture precious moments with my son, and enables me to see my loved ones face to face when we’re far apart. It also steals my husband away for hours at a time, sucks his soul and returns his body, eyes glossed over from the latest timed level of Brave Frontier. It behooves me to see good friends gathered around a table for dinner, heads down in social media, most likely liking each other’s IG photo instead of enjoying each other’s presence, especially when I’m one of them. Admittedly and at the risk of sounding ridiculously hypocritical, I do enjoy taking photos of my food before I eat it and I do love seeing my friends across the world share their exotic cuisines and encounters with cultures that I didn’t even know existed. We are in an age where the world is literally a click away. It’s enabled us to become worldlier, more cultivated, and more informed than ever. Then why, does there seem to be an unexplainable paradox of apprehension and obsession with smart devices? Have smart devices empowered us or have they overpowered us?
Study 1: Our Smart Devices and Our Closest Relationships
In order to understand the range of subjective perspectives on this topic, we asked diverse couples around the world to rate the impact of smart devices on their relationships. 45% of surveyed feel that Smart Devices have in general impacted their relationships with their spouses somewhat Negatively. 38% stated No effect. 7% felt extreme negative impact and 10% somewhat positive.
The disparity seems to reside in how much time and when smart devices are being used. The reasoning for said ratings can be summed up below.
The Positive:
- Enables communication while apart/at work/traveling
The Negatives:
- Lack of quality conversation due to distraction by devices
- Less intimate communication i.e. text instead of phone calls
- Complaints about partner not being “present” leading to a feeling of neglect
- Complaints about using smart phones over dinner seems to resonate with many
There are two folds to the problem, really, one is how much time is spent on smart devices, which is somewhat less bothersome to partners than to children (we’ll leave that topic for our follow up study on Smart Devices and children) and the other is when smart devices are being used.
Experts warn that just the presence of a cell phone during face-to-face conversations reduces intimacy, trust, and empathy between partners according to a recent study conducted by the University of Essex in the UK. It’s also easy to become addicted because our smart devices and phones are always on and available. Social Media such as Facebook provides instant gratification, which stimulates the reward centers of the brain so it’s easy to become addicted especially when that virtual world is centralized around you. The study by the University of Essex further explains that most of the feelings of neglect and loss of intimacy happens “outside of conscious awareness”*. With the presence of a cell phone, people tend to engage in thoughts outside of the present moment, which lessens quality conversation and ultimately intimacy. Addiction to smart devices often goes undetected until problems are exacerbated into friction between partners.
Although surveying how many hours people think they’re on their devices is simply an approximation, these indications can help partners discover what is or is not acceptable. According to our survey. 37% use their smart devices between 2-4 hours a day (not including making phone calls) while almost 30% were on their smart devices most of the day between 4-8 hours. On the extremes, 10% used their Smart Devices more than 8 hours a day and 23% under 2 hours a day.
Regulating smart device usage among partners is somewhat implausible but knowing when to put down devices and spend quality time is something that couples can easily work on. After all, smart devices provide a wide gamut of capabilities that would be difficult for anyone in our society to live without. Personally I love my smart phone. Social Media is great for keeping up with friends and keeping us fresh on what’s happening around the world. But it comes down to whom has the upper hand, your device or you. We can use our devices to enable our lives or let our devices control our lives. If you can’t spend 10 minutes in a conversation without checking your phones, that’s an indication that you’ve probably lost the fight: device 1, you 0.
Ian Kerner, sex and relationship expert for CNN Health, states some ways to help you spend more intimate time with your partner than your smart device. Here are some expert tips:
- On a date? Turn it off and put the phone away
- At dinner? Turn it off or leave it in another room
- Charge your phone and tablets outside of the bedroom at night, having them in your bedroom interferes with your ability to relax and reduces intimacy
Contrary to my initial hypothesis, smart devices are not evil, perhaps some video games are, but that’s another topic. We need to realize that there is a time and a place for everything and if we are to continue to improve and maintain our most precious relationships, our device usage patterns need to reflect those priorities. Consciously turning off phones and leaving room for deep conversations and quality time enables partners to be present in their real life, develop more intimacy, and better those relationships.
Leave us your thoughts and tips, we would love to hear about it!
